Tuesday 4 May 2010

How We Voted

When the time came to send off our postal votes; we did not take up the kind offer from that very nice man dressed in combat gear, big boots, a badly washed T shirt saying “Gordon The Great” and carrying a baseball bat; it was difficult to decide.

Normally, we would go down the list of candidates and simply roll the dice. It has worked very well in the past, up to a point. The year I voted for the Monster Raving Loony Party candidate got me a tapped phone and regular visits from the Special Branch man anxious to check my gas boiler. I had some fun with that.

But alas we could not find the dice. So we had to resort to a random sample approach, if you can call it that. We allocated a particular event to each candidate and then sat down by the window to see which happened first. In the old days this might have been done by watching out for a postman or a parcels delivery or a policeman on the beat or a doctor or a nurse or other things very likely to appear. This no longer works.

So our list included an urban fox, a rat, a environmental inspector doing a sneak check on recycling bins, a junkie burglar, a serial arsonist, an unlicensed driver with a foreign number plate trying to do the ton in a hundred yards and an elderly man using our hedge because the council have closed all the local W.C.’s.

Use your skill and judgement to work out which event was allocated to which party candidate and which one turned up first.


  1. The elderly man using the hedge was Gordon Brown from the labour party?
    The environmental inspector was from the green party?
    The Urban fox was a conservative?
    The unlicensed driver was from the lib dems?
    The serial arsonist was from the BNP?
    As for the Rat.............

  2. Is the fox alive still?
    Is the rat about to desert a currently-sinking ship?
    The environmental inspector - white, 30-ish, earnest, otherwise-unemployable?
    Mr Junkie Burglar - believes that criminals, including himself, should be locked up for longer and forced to do useful work in the jug?
    Jeremy Clarkson?
    Fellow peeing in the privet - Jeremy Clarkson, again?

    Pretty-much all of them are standing for the 'If you won't give us what we want, we'll take it anyway party'. Doesn't help much with narrowing it down, I'm afraid.