OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTER AND FIRST LORD OF THE TREASURY
Distribution: All Office of
PM Staff
Copy: Selected Permanent
Secretaries & My Best Friends
Order Of The Day: Don’t
tell the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
It is with pleasure that after long negotiation that we announce a
specific bespoke IT system for the
Office of The Prime Minister and the central directing unit of our Coalition. Although some of the exciting in-your-face
advertising material may seem intrusive, please be aware that the revenue they
give to our fighting fund for the New
Britain is integral to the success of this
venture.
Those who feel that our latest media helper to come on board; code
name “Des”; has links to exciting web sites and sources of information foreign
to you should remember that we live in the new millennium age for culture and
that the youthful vigour to be found on those links are part of our Cool
Britannia purpose oriented function.
Should you be of an uptight disposition your file will be marked
“In need of therapy”. The NHS New Wave
electrode implanted in your brain (sorry about the problems) covers this
instruction. Unauthorised leaks or the issue
of personal press releases will entail being sent to the Department of Transport
to work on the HS2.
Basic Elements
The Recycle Bin is now:
“Breathtaking new opportunity.”
My Computer is called: "The engine room of the new economy.”
Broadband Networking is called:
“Our ongoing plan for action.”
Control Panel is known as:
“Crosby".
Hard Drive is referred to as:
“Toughing out the difficult decisions.”
CD drive is: “In depth
reserves of thrusting administrative energy.”
USB connections are:
“Consultant inputs”.
Pop up instead of an error message: “Responsibility clearly lies elsewhere.”
Changes in Terminology
OK: “We are in fundamental
agreement with the essential propositions as we understand and define them”
Cancel: “After full and in
depth consultation we are taking a new direction.”
Reset: “The policy
formulation is stepping up a gear”.
Yes: “We are happy to say
that despite all the difficulties and inherent complexities we have arrived at
a formula which is agreeable to the respective parties.”
No: “At this moment in time
there are negative elements that are affecting the ongoing decision making
process.”
Search: “We have to extend our understanding and knowledge on this
vital matter.”
Go to: “We are at the
forefront of progress.”
Back: “There is a great deal to be done, so we are determined to
get it right in the long run, and this entails an ongoing review.”
Help: “We are in complete
control of the situation, but clearly it is only right to launch an
investigation seek out those responsible for obstructing our forward momentum.”
Stop: “This is a good time
to reflect on all our achievements.”
Start: “This is a wonderful
initiative which will lead to many good things.”
Settings: “When we have the
nuts and bolts right then we will be able to overcome the difficulties that are
being put in our way.”
Programs: “The full range
of future policy successes.”
Documents: “Policy
formulation, administrative advice, correspondence, confidential information in
type; and all other material at the pre-shredder stage.”
Technical Features
Motherboard: European
Commission.
Fatherboard: Not known,
refer to as “One Night Stand”.
Processor: Pennsylvania Avenue
1555
Protocols: Gateskeeper
Keyboard: Seventies Punk.
Mouse: Self-reversing spin
wheel.
Power: Wind.
Tower: Shard
Disc Drive: Treasury Slow
Slow Quick Quick Slow.
Home Page: News of the
World.
Broadband Router: Big Dick (aka Beardie)
Random Memory: NHS IT
Project
Restart: Go Abroad To
Conference
ISP: Never Never Land
Programmes exclusive to our own system
Autogarble: An added
facility for Press Statements.
Security: Jokes and other
humour.
Hangman & Solitaire:
Home Office Management.
Smart Prevaricate: To
enable ministerial personal media advisers.
Ossa/Pelion: Government
legislative programme.
Favourites: Links to
business, equity finance, private banks, and escort services.
Bentword: Automatically
corrects vague promises to convincing mode.
Fantasy Island: Office for National Statistics.
Graphics: Manipulates
diagrams to required interpretation.
Spellchecker: Attorney
General Function, changes text to incomprehensible mode.
Crash: NHS Computer
Services.
Gruntspeak: EU – English
translator.
Twittertalk: London – English
translator.
Liar Poker: Annual Budget
Review.
Bastard: Genealogy and
Family History.
Calculator: Auto figures
fudger.
The Undertaker: Drugs and
Firearms Control.
Tillfinger: Ministerial
Salaries, Expenses, and Awards of Honours.
Goblin Teasmaid: The
Foreign Secretary.
Macho Zap: Trident Missile
Start.
Notepad: For use when Text
Phone fails.
Microsoft Explorer 666:
Device to hack into opposition computers.
Pictures & Media: Ten
thousand representations of Our Great and Dear Leader.
Note
Should the Prime Minister ring you on the red emergency telephone
advise him to find the plug at the end of the long lead, identify the nearest
power point, insert the plug and then to press the small thingy by the side and
insist; despite the personal doubts he will express; that this will have the
effect of introducing what is known to him now as the electrical power
necessary to the full functioning of his apparatus.
If this fails under no circumstances whatsoever should you refer
the matter to the Department of Technology, as this will disrupt the entire
system, but call in the ILSNABCADEO (The Infused Liquids Sundry Non-Alcoholic
Beverages & Comestibles Allocation and Distribution Executive Officer) with
her trolley on a contracted out non-core activity basis who will know what to
do.