Tonight, Friday, it is said that the main prize in the Euromillions
lottery will amount to over £89 million pounds.
For personal reasons known only to the credit check companies, the
county courts, sundry bailiffs and persons seeking me at previous addresses, I
could do with a slice of the action.
So I will pledge my new trainers as security for a modest loan from a
payday loan company that advertises on the net. The cash from this will be used
to justify another, rather larger loan from a high street bank.
Then I shall create a new financial instrument called Trainer Bonds and
launch these around the financial networks. By dint of high leverage and rapid
deployment of monies plus setting up a chain of companies in offshore locations
funelling funds through other centres the sums available will become very
large.
So large that I will be able to outsource the calculations I need to one
of the world's major computer facilities. This will enable me to be able to buy
one ticket of every possible number in the Euromillions draw. This means I win. However, there appear to be
one or two slight problems.
One is that the interest and charges on all the financial transactions
and loans will exceed the prize money by a great deal. The other is that the
capital debt cannot be repaid in any way.
In short, Trainer Bonds will have become a “toxic” part of the world’s
financial system.
All is not lost, because having put the world in peril of systemic
financial collapse causing the end of civilisation as we know it, but more
important causing inconvenience and embarrassment to all the world’s elites, I
will need bailing out.
The Fed, the Bank Of England, the EU, the Eurozone, the IMF and the rest
will have to come up with a package to sort it all out. With any luck they will
have to allow me to keep the prize money in order to prevent any further
activity on my part.
Then I will be able to afford the new pair of trainers I need, but was
unable to get because I maxed out my credit card.
Pure fantasy, of course, nothing like this could happen in real life.
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