Friday 17 August 2018

A Run For Your Money

Tonight, Friday, it is said that the main prize in the Euromillions lottery will amount to over £89 million pounds.

For personal reasons known only to the credit check companies, the county courts, sundry bailiffs and persons seeking me at previous addresses, I could do with a slice of the action.

So I will pledge my new trainers as security for a modest loan from a payday loan company that advertises on the net. The cash from this will be used to justify another, rather larger loan from a high street bank.

Then I shall create a new financial instrument called Trainer Bonds and launch these around the financial networks. By dint of high leverage and rapid deployment of monies plus setting up a chain of companies in offshore locations funelling funds through other centres the sums available will become very large.

So large that I will be able to outsource the calculations I need to one of the world's major computer facilities. This will enable me to be able to buy one ticket of every possible number in the Euromillions draw. This means I win. However, there appear to be one or two slight problems.

One is that the interest and charges on all the financial transactions and loans will exceed the prize money by a great deal. The other is that the capital debt cannot be repaid in any way.  In short, Trainer Bonds will have become a “toxic” part of the world’s financial system.

All is not lost, because having put the world in peril of systemic financial collapse causing the end of civilisation as we know it, but more important causing inconvenience and embarrassment to all the world’s elites, I will need bailing out.

The Fed, the Bank Of England, the EU, the Eurozone, the IMF and the rest will have to come up with a package to sort it all out. With any luck they will have to allow me to keep the prize money in order to prevent any further activity on my part.

Then I will be able to afford the new pair of trainers I need, but was unable to get because I maxed out my credit card.

Pure fantasy, of course, nothing like this could happen in real life.

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