A busy weekend so here is a
story to tell, not entirely about football, at just under 4000 words.
PAY UP! PAY UP! AND PLAY THE
GAME!
It was mid afternoon. The time for remunerated work had passed so I
was busy on my thesis, the Aerodynamics of Crumpled Paper Balls In the Office
Situation. I had been working on it for
a few months, and was coming to the stage of testing and verification. With a stable financial market, luck, and a
soft examiner, I could soon be a PH.D. of the University of Featherstone,
the academy of learning located in a redundant Adult Education Centre in the
shadow of the Featherstone Rovers Rugby League ground, where I had spent so
many frozen hours reviling my fellow men.
Banking was my job, Finance Director of the Universal Transit Bank of
the City of Barleyville, capital of the Arable Islands,
but we won’t talk about that, I want to stay sane.
A large shadow loomed through
the glass, gave one knock at the door and walked in. I was about to shout at my Senior Executive
Assistant and tell her to get this lump out when I saw who he was, and gulped. It was Jesus Mary Joseph Ackroyd III, or Big
JMJ to his friends. He had a lot of
friends; indeed everyone was his friend.
Being his enemy was a serious error of judgement. Up I leapt and made
strangulated noises of welcome and pleasure and rushed to shake his hand. He was good on body language, I was jerking
more than usual, so he knew he had me cold, very cold. When Big JMJ said “Hey” to the President, or
for that matter, the Prime Minister, they said “Wow” back.
It was not just influence, he
held six key jobs in parallel in the governance of the Islands. Minister of Defence, Chief of Police, Chief Commissioner
of Customs and Excise, Head of Compliance at the Central Bank, Chairman of the
Arable Islands Olympic Committee, and critically, Secretary of the Carnival
Committee. It was the fourth, third, and
second I was worried about, in that order.
But we won’t talk about that either, lets just say, I was deeply
concerned that it was to be another bad day at the office.
I called for a couple of real
lemonades spiked with lime, and lots of ice, Big JMJ was mostly a temperance
campaigner, except when we was retailing his own brand of hooch through the
Customs and Excise Office, a sort of mango and pineapple Islay type Malt
Whisky, at 75% alcohol, and at least six weeks old. He smiled, and I worried. He smiled some, I worried more, then he spoke. “Hey, we know all about you!” I said “Wow!”
He took a long drink, smiled once too often, and then said “Good, good!”
This was looking ugly. He gave me the feint. “Hey, you were a big man. “Uh, uh,” I replied, thinking of the Bank in Milan I was once
concerned with, that went down the blackest hole in European financial
history. Then he hit me right where it
hurt. “Pontefract Collieries”, he said,
very quietly, and without any emphasis, and leaned back. How the hell did he know that? It was a bad time and long ago. Two and three goals a game I had been
getting, Liverpool and Tottenham Hotspur had
been wrangling over a deal, and they sold me for a deferred £500 to Wharram
Percy United, who promptly went bust citing excessive transfer costs. The big clubs had moved on, so I took up golf
to network better, and ended up in that cold world of lost souls and those who
dream of Never Never Lands, banking, and as an accountant, Dear God.
To let him know just how I
felt, and without words that could be misinterpreted or recorded on the office
audio taping system, I took out a bottle of his hooch from my desk cupboard and
put a large shot into my lemonade, and I did not offer him any. In the Arable Islands,
this was as strong a message as you could get.
So what was next? I expected an invitation to launder some of his hooch
money. Potentially it was a great deal,
sadly, one had to earn a crust, as well as a billion dollar pension fund for
retirement at forty. But it was also an
invitation to an American Gaol as over there they had taken a dislike to some Arable Islands
habits for which there was not a rational explanation. I enjoyed my visits to Disneyland with local
ladies I liked to impress, and the Miami
plane was the quickest way out if there was trouble.
“No, you got it wrong,” he
countered. Obviously he was
thirsty. “I just want you to play a few
games of football.” My jaw dropped, not
a good thing, as he could see the dentistry was very costly, but these things
happen. OK, everyone knew I was a
fitness freak, and I could still run and the rest, as well as enjoying a few
kick abouts on the beach, and the odd friendly game in the National Stadium, a
bare stretch of sand behind the car dump.
In the Arable
Islands, it was a good
policy to enjoy the local culture. “Just
that?” I asked. “Just that,” he said,
spitting on his right hand and offering it.
I shook it, reached into the cupboard again, gave him a large shot and
topped mine up. He raised his glass, and
clinked it with mine. Then I got the
real shock, he offered me one of his own brand cigars. He really wanted something.
“We want you to help us
qualify for the final rounds of the World Cup,” he said, “It’s time we had some
ambition in the Arable
Islands.” “This could be tricky.” I replied, hoping it would not offend
him. It wasn’t as though it was a
criticism. The Arable Islands had never
entered before, were not even listed on the International ratings, and the last
International game they had played was seven years ago, that had been abandoned
when it was realised by the players that the P Diddy show from LA was being
screened live on cable. Not that it mattered as the opposition had been the Pastoral Islands to the West, which had similar
cultural ideas, but a lot less money.
“Speaking as a banker,” he
already knew that, I hoped, “this could be a very expensive operation. The guys have to train full time, play a lot,
travel a great deal, and then there is all the medical and physiotherapy
backup. It ain’t cheap, and failure
comes to most of those in the game. And
you are up against outfits that are very, very, determined. It’s a superb ambition, but, but, it’s too long
a shot, and in money terms very high risk.” “Good,” he said easily, “straight talk, and
true, no problem, but we want to take a run at it.” This was a relief, but the nagging thought
rankled round the head, was he wanting Universal Transit to pick up the
bill? If he was then I was going to have
to revive my CV, and quickly.
He gave a soft smile, “Hey!
We already have a sponsor, and an open chequebook.” Big JMJ was a very sensitive man, I smiled
and opened my arms, and waited. “He is the
main man in Ostmania, has all the oil and mineral rights, owns the Boggi
Desert, all those silicon reserves and has the ear, OK, the balls of the White
House. Money no problem, we need the
right men, and those guys who kick around on the beach, our squad, say you can
organise.” I was dumbfounded, this
wasn’t a deal, it was a high honour, and I tried to show it. “And the Ostmanian, he is looking for a new
bank, as well as a new passport, and perhaps Universal Transit is right.” I could not help myself drooling; this could
be the answer to my dreams, and most of the Universal Transit Bank’s
nightmares.
My ex girl friends all agree
that my most serious fault was to ask too many questions. I can’t help it, when I grew up my parents
forced me to watch endless quiz shows to improve my mind. It was one of their theories, they had a lot
of them. Personally, I don’t like
theories, but I had to pretend to in my job.
I had to ask Big JMJ the obvious one, “Sir,” this was real greasing,
“Sir, why the Arable Islands, and not an Ostmanian team?” Big JMJ gave a small frown, answering
questions did not figure in his usual conversations. Perhaps it was time for a trip to Miami. “Hey!
They don’t do games on feet, only on horses.” “Horses?”
There had not been many questions in the quiz shows about Ostmania. “Yes, man, horses. In that place real men ride, they leave the
walking to others. Playing some game on
foot is not manly. Also, they reckon
that when the oil runs out, they will get back all the lands they lost, because
guys who ride will rule.”
“Interesting theory, but how
is that going to work?” I said. Big JMJ was still smiling, he leaned forward
and whispered, “Forage, no forage, no horses, they got the horses and the
forage.” This was getting intricate, so
I just nodded. People like their theories,
so who am I to make them unhappy? “OK,
sir, I’ll work out how to go long on forage.”
He seemed happy with that. “We do
OK, we make them feel good, we all get rich, everybody is happy.” “Except, the guys who lose, I hate to say
this, but if we go places, there are going to be some unhappy people.”
Big JMJ had spent enough
time. “You do man or you don’t, now what
do you say.” He was bigger than me, in
every way, it was an offer I could not refuse.
“Yes Sir, I’ll go with it,” and lifting the glass, “Here’s to success
and happiness!” The glasses clinked,
“And just a little wealth to make us all very happy!” said Big JMJ.
“Wow”, I said. “Hey!” he said,
“You could retire at forty!” “Wow, wow,”
I said, the bastard knew everything.
According to very recent
discoveries in the Archives of Spain at Simancas, the Arable
Islands should have been the first of
the Americas
to be discovered by Christopher Columbus, but he suppressed the landfalls there
in order that the first recorded might be more promising. The islands that
became the Pastoral group he sailed through in the night. The Vikings in around 900 had visited,
leaving a few relics from Lindisfarne, and the Chinese expedition of the 1420’s
had left some recipes chiselled in stone, but no group with any sense had
stayed until Drake in the late 16th Century had marooned a number of
his more insubordinate seamen.
As they were from West Bromwich they managed to get hold of women from
elsewhere, one of the great unrecognised achievements of history, and bred an
early population both fiercely independent, and emotionally volatile. These characteristics remained despite other
the many and various other groups drifting in with the tides, fleeing, or
arriving by default from other territories in the Caribbean. Plantations never occurred because the
original horticulture was seaweed and compost based, and the guano reserves
unrealised until the late 19th Century. Moreover, the population had difficulty with
the concept of being employed. There was
no word for employer in the local patois, the term “Big fish” did for all
levels of management.
The names, Arable and
Pastoral, were coined by a small party of Dissenters who had fled from Ormskirk
in the 17th Century, who were given to wishful thinking, and soon
reverted to the local folkways. The Arable Islands
early to declare their independence from the British Empire in 1767, unnoticed,
because the Senior Clerk in the Southern Department in London put the document in the wrong
box. The Grand Remonstrance, so called,
was copied at the time by a visiting Massachusetts lawyer, who took it home,
where it excited a great deal of interest.
It was only during World War
II that the discrepancy was realised when a small British naval party arriving
to establish a radio station were promptly interned, and Churchill nearly sent
the 7th Armoured Division from the Western Desert
to invade Barleyville instead of chasing the Wehrmacht Afrika Corps. Fortunately, Field Marshal Alan Brooke was
working late that night, intervened, and an agreement was made quickly to the
advantage of the Arable
Islands, to the fury of
Herbert Morrison who was determined to use the territory as a nuclear testing
ground out of spite.
The station became private
property called Radio Barleyville playing wall to wall Bing Crosby until the
1970’s when the original owner died.
Tourism never occurred, because JMJ Ackroyd II, who inherited the job of
Minister of Tourism prevented it as a threat to his hooch monopoly, a policy
continued by his son Big JMJ for his own reasons. In the 1960’s a refugee from the UK’s high tax
Labour Government had arrived and established offices, soon filled in the early
1970’s by his associates fleeing from the legal consequences of the Secondary
Banking Crash of the period. Since then
the Arable Islands had prospered for the first
time, but the Pastorals stayed dirt poor, and deeply resentful.
Big JMJ called the next day,
this meant that I had arrived in the community, normally people were invited to
see him and waited, and then waited some more.
“Hey! We got the medic’s and physio’s, the sponsor found them in California.” I asked the simple question, “Sports medicine
specialists?” “No, but they are sure
willing to learn fast.” “How did you
manage it?” I was trying to think why
any good set of Californians would suddenly want to up sticks and come to The
Arables, it was like a Brit’ moving from Bournemouth to Bootle. “They were available, and for the fee were
minded to come.” I pondered the minded
and then by word association came to brains.
There was a major scandal in
California, a medical team that had been doing brain implants to help
celebrities with their acting or media presentations was under heavy fire. Too many of the beautiful people were being
seen attending recitals of Chamber Music and enjoying marital harmony. It was bad for business and the writs were
flying. “The sponsors got brains then?”
I said. He gave me the big laugh, he was
a real mean flatterer. “Hey, you’re a
good man.” I wasn’t worried, because
someone else was paying but it was interesting.
“And we’ve got all the balls we need.”
Big JMJ was working overtime on this.
“I truly hope so, Sir, we all need balls.” I responded, taking a
risk. He laughed a lot more, “I said to
the sponsor you were the right man, he’s sends his regards.” So my neck was on the block. Still laughing he sidled out, blowing a kiss
to my secretary. This was mean, even she
was starting to be polite to me.
At the first work out on the
beach the squad were unusually quiet, and almost worried, but the more I looked
at them the more I wondered how much was possible. It would be too much to say that the genes
that had gone into the Arable Islands population mix had produced a super race,
but for a game of football they could be quite useful if they buckled down to
it. A lot were big, active, and
physically very capable, the ball skills were latent, and the outdoor life had
hardened them up. The few smaller ones,
the last remnants of the early settlers, were quick, fierce, and willing to get
into a scrap. They were still shy of too
much exertion.
Then I realised, they were
all down from a high. After going into
my mad dog mode, they began to take things more seriously, only for another
slight problem to emerge. Differences of
opinion between groups of men in the Arable’s were normally settle by a long
established tradition of major affray in which the abiding principle was “They
go down in one, they stay down in one” so it was likely that a typical
competitive match involving them was all to likely to end in the game being
abandoned for lack of players, one way or another.
It did not look good so I
passed a message to Big JMJ telling him that there was an inherent cultural
difficulty, and got another back telling me to see him after Church on
Sunday. This was a test of my personal
skills. It meant I had to go to his
Church. After Big JMJ had given the
sermon, married several couples who had not expected it, and indeed had never
met, he turned on the fire sprinklers to make sure we were all rebaptised in
his particular band of faith, and then his men took the collection. I put a handful of large ones in, and then
added a few.
It got me to him fast. “Two things, the first is the hooch, the other
is the violence.” He stared for a time,
I just stared back, furtively patting the flight tickets in my pocket. “Uh; the hooch, what?” he said, with a hurt tone in the voice. “You have to take out the steroids and
viagra, and a couple of other things.
One or two players found positive on the testing would bust us all. I can’t ban it, the players can’t do without
it, and it would be bad for business.”
“This is bad, it’s a matter
of taste and quality” he spat out. “Sir,” I said with a bow of the head, “the
taste is old turpentine, and the distillers job will be to find other, safe,
legal, ways of maintaining the great and indefinable quality.” I hoped he wasn’t too strong on irony. “I’ll see, uh uh and the other thing?” “Just how the hell do I stop them
fighting?” “I’ll ring the sponsor.” With that I was dismissed, and for the next
two nights lay awake thankful I had open flight tickets.
The Ostmanian Airways
transports took us by surprise, especially the airport staff. Normally an early flight arrival meant a long
wait in a narrow corridor before staff could be persuaded to leave their
recreational facilities to open the doors.
The Ostmanians removed them, and then mounted their small chunky horses
to charge howling and cheering through passport control and the arrival
lounge. While they were settling in the
Arabalians were patronising about their exercising and horseback games knocking
about a round hairy object on a dusty field.
The opinion changed after one
local tried to steal a horse and disappeared.
Next morning the Ostmanians were using his head, and the population of
the Islands, including the squad, began to
observe the respect they deserved. The
Chief of Police, indeed, applauded them, but Big JMJ would, he had a vested
interest. “Hey, tough on crime, tough on
the causes of crime” he said, he really should have become a comedian.
The truly weird thing was at
the two training sessions that Big JMJ suggested I skip and the Ostmanians took
over, something happened. There was now
a total discipline, scary, very scary.
If badly fouled or insulted the Arable boys would simply put their hands
together, bow slightly and say in the language of the opponent “Peace be upon
you, brother.” Or something from Confucius.
Not only did this throw all the teams in the qualifying group,
especially in Mexico, but
turned the tide in the very nasty playoff against Argentina who had struggled in the
South American group.
So we won the World Cup, and
a handful of mad punters who had bet on us were paraded by the Bookies in the
media, no mention being made of the zillions they had won from those who backed
the usual favourites at ungenerous odds.
It is a long and intricate story, and perhaps the tale would be lost in
the telling. The Final against Russia, another
unfancied team, was said by all to be a wonderful feast of football. Most of the media should have said in the
spirit of the Corinthians, but they didn’t know how to spell it, so they used
their own boring words from their cheap processors.
Our win over France was
lucky, a couple of early goals, one a deflection, another a defensive error,
and then they fell apart, and the referee soon took a dislike to the French
tradition of activist philosophy after a torrid first half. Nobody gave us a chance against Germany,
including ourselves, and the sponsor, who had booked his flight home
already. But the rain came down, the
pitch was heavily sanded, so our boys were back on the beach again. It was one way traffic. The earlier England game in the Groups was
intriguing, there was a long debate about the English defensive formation and
quite why they kept running into each other, but that really is another
story. In any case it’s all in the
files.
So now, aged thirty nine, I
am retired from Banking, have modest but comfortable properties where I want
them, and follow my own interests. Kensington
is my usual home, but my other citizenships and passports from the Arable Islands
and Ostmania help me around the world. I
have taken up riding, and after exercise on Rotten Row in Hyde Park, sometimes
like to ride my small chunky Ostmanian mount into Claridges or the Dorchester for lunch.
They and the traffic police are always very helpful. There is no shortage of bountiful
consultancies coming my way now that Big JMJ is Secretary General of the United
Nations voted by popular acclaim, and after Ostmania had annexed the Peoples Republic
of China
at half time during the Final when everyone was watching the game. Recently, I have invested in organic farming. The Newmarket
trainers of horses say that my forage is the best they can find.
A chain of football academies
gives me income and prestige, as well as the ear of most of the cabinet. But I will not enter either into politics or
owning football clubs. The first is all
about fools errands, and the second is fools gold. The one great lesson I learned from Big JMJ
was that politics only really pays if you have the draw on absolutely everyone,
and I had learned long ago whilst a player for Pontefract Collieries, that
honour is strictly only amongst thieves.