Saturday, 25 June 2016

Doktor Merkel I Presume

You may have seen this one from the German newspaper Bild from before the vote, but it is quite funny.  A translation is given.  It is funnier if you believe that Prince Charles' ears reflect his Germanic ancestry.

Word has reached me from the Daily Express semaphore station that to the astonishment of Europe, Doktor von Merkel of Mecklenburg who set out to discover the source of the River Simeto in Sicily has by an error of navigation located a large land mass called Africa across the great sea beyond.

Enquiries made in the locality have caused her to believe it is very large and with many peoples.  Indeed it is said to be part of the same land mass as the Cape of Good Hope.  Deutsche Bahn, who sponsored the expedition have announced that instead of a Berlin to Baghdad Railway, they will invest in a Berlin Cairo Cape one.

The discoveries mean a much greater market for German goods and produce and at the same time enable millions of surplus African men to come to Germany.  These will allow German men to retire at the age of 40 after a long and arduous life employed as EU officials since leaving university at 25.

If more than expected arrive the opportunity has arisen to divert many to a new state to be in Europe, Scotland, look for it in the north of Britain but only on maps in the Mercator Projection rather than a global map of Earth; a matter of great sensitivity.

I think the SNP will want to ban all such maps and globes from use in schools.  In addition the Doktor agrees with them that the possession and display of all maps showing the South Pole at the top and the North at the bottom should be a criminal offence punishable by transportation to Australia.

The Scots will be allowed to borrow unlimited amounts of Euro's from the Deutsche Bundesbank to provide social housing, for the newcomers who will be needed.  The law providing a named person for each child is to be extended to adults.  Doktor Merkel has suggested this should be managed by a Scottish Total Adult Supervision Institute (STASI), a matter in which she has had great experience.

As the intention is to more than double the population of Scotland it is time to make use of the resources of all the land available.  A new high rise city called Bennevisburg is planned on one of the many large areas of waste lands in their highlands along with others.  All will have a central plaza with a large statue of the Doktor and a ceremonial Peoples Kilometre leading to it.

To enable this to be done efficiently, the midges will be removed and deported to England.

Frau Doktor does not see any difficulties that cannot be overcome, she has ways of making you agree.


  1. Never a truer word said in jest. It got a lot of laughs from me at least.

  2. Sent a shiver down my spine.

  3. Roman infantry helmets. Guarding sticky out ears since yon time.