Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Learning Difficulties

The news that large numbers of talented graduates are not able to find jobs either related to their studies or of graduate status comes as no surprise.  The figures for those pushed into higher education and the jobs that would be there never did add up.

The 1100 word piece below dates back to 2007 and is about the University of Speenhamland (put this word into search re 1795) and its prospectus.



The University was opened on 1 April 2007 in record time, due to The Ultimate Project brought about by the Blair-Brown Accord on Higher Education of January 2006 following consultation in depth with David Beckham, Charlotte Church, and Cherie’s very distant cousin who used to be a teacher before she took up Yoga. 

The first Vice Chancellor, appointed in February 2007, Lord Sven Goran Ericsson, fortunately, was immediately available to promote this new place of learning into the Premiership category of Universities.


Admission is on the basis of age alone, not less than 15, on the presentation of an ID Card, that may be obtained either from HM Department of Homeland Security (formerly the Department for Education and the Home Office), or the Byelorussia Documentation Services representative who operates out of the boot of his recently liberated Mercedes, and may be found at the back of your local strip and lap-dancing club (formerly the police station).

Students may enter the faculty of their choice and no academic or other qualifications will be required, except for DNA clearance for wanted persons, who will be referred to the Archer Recidivist College for pre-qualification preparation.  All subjects are available in all known languages and dialects, thanks to the All Purpose Multilingual Programme operated by Capita. 

As the work on this was outsourced to the Baghdad subsidiary of this company, students will need to be familiar with the Cuneiform script of the ancient Sumerian language to access the facility. For local security reasons this was encrypted.  The keying in system is available from the Bursar’s office for a fee of £10,000.  We regret the system does not accept credit cards. 

The only languages not available to students are Latin, Ancient Greek, Anglo-Saxon, Old Norse, and Scouse.  The first two because they are not considered to be academically valid, the next two because of persistent difficulties arising from parties of UK tourists from these language groups, and Scouse, because an existing facility exists in the Macartney-Lennon Love In University in Liverpool, in the former premises of HMP Walton and the adjacent West Derby Union Workhouse. 

The University has a new Fast Track programme to the Postgraduate Academy of Alternative Business now located at the local Social Security Benefits Agency, and scholarships for the MBA may be obtained for holders of a Chelsea FC Season Ticket and/or a BBC contract.

Graduates of the University Of Speenhamland may obtain a Fellowship of All Souls College, Oxford, purely on application as Founders Kin, in that the European Court Of Justice has struck out the ending of this Human Right in 1854 as unlawful, and if anyone is not descended from the family of the founder, Archbishop Chichele of Canterbury, then it is not their fault.

Programme of Studies

The practice of most Universities of pre-selecting and imposing restrictive and limiting fields of study has been abandoned.  Whilst Faculties exist, with internal structures to allow for the full complement of academic politics, spite, and obstruction of learning, they are essentially means of creating employment to meet Government targets for staffing ratios and to provide salaries and inflation-proofed pensions for the relatives and friends of politicians.  Students will not be troubled by the staff nor obliged to have any learning or social contact, these elitist and out-dated practices have been discarded.

The student will inform the Academic Registrar of the web-sites that will occupy their time, will determine the full extent and level of study, conduct their own projects, theses, dissertations, and examinations, and advise the University Administration of the class and type of degree to be awarded at any time that might be convenient, other than weekends, the 49 weeks set aside for staff meetings and career promotion, and weekdays when political action is listed as the Priority Of The Day. 

Students will need to be aware that in relation to the Priority of Politics the first call on the academic staff is by Politicians needing help, advice, catheter changes, or directions to the toilets and/or communal massage parlours.


No fees are payable, or other costs, all materials will be provided free, as will food, lodging and accommodation.  But an element of Community Service will be required of students, and this is organised by the University sponsors and financial guarantors.  Information is available from your local MacDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, Starbucks, and Sutcliffe’s Sewage and Refuse Services and other providers. 

The Government sees this as integral to the University Experience in Social Engagement and Interaction, and necessary to the future graduate work force.  It has been agreed with the European Union that this is free from the impositions of labour laws, because of its essential part in the process of learning. 

Consequently, Community Service has an upper limit of 168 hours a week, for details see the Web-site “Our Great Leaders Major Works of 2005” between Catastrophe in The Middle East and Death Rates Soar.

Careers Advice

This has been out-sourced to the Fat Chance Employment Agency.

Special Services

The Hospice and Chapel are located on Level 22, at the top of the Pro Chancellor Mandelson Tower, Third Age Studies on Level 21, the Disabled Aid Centre on Level 20, and the Prosthetics Office on Level 19.  Lifts are available to Level 3, Staff Rooms and Bars.

Jobs At The University

Due to restructuring, and the introduction of an early retirement programme of staff of all ages following the recent Court of Appeal decision in favour of the case brought by the Adolescent Professorial Action Group, to avoid age discrimination, recruitment is at present in abeyance.


These are not available, planning permission is still being sought for the location of road signs, the Public Inquiry is scheduled for 2017, and negotiations are still proceeding with the local rail provider with agreement being awaited from all the twenty seven regulatory agencies whose involvement is enshrined in statute.

The regional Bus provider is unable to publish timetables or gives advice on fares on the grounds of complaints of breach of privacy by existing passengers.  Urgent information may be obtained from Nellie the Bag Lady who is resident at one or other of the M4 Service Stations, terms being negotiable.

Information and Advice

The servers obtained at second hand from the Inland Revenue when functioning at present are able only to send out demands for payment.  As these are calculated on the basis that persons have never paid tax on any of their lifetime earnings the figures may cause alarm to those of a nervous disposition. 

For anyone in difficulty an address is available in Bermuda, and for a fee of £500 an abatement of all tax liabilities now and at any time in the future may be obtained


It is not going to get any better.

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