Monday, 16 July 2012

Annie The Agony Aunt Answers

Dear Annie,

Usually, at the end of July a close neighbour holds a big family party and likes to send lots of balloons high into the sky.  As we are in the No Fly Olympic Zone will this mean we will have missiles and drones aimed in our direction?

Yours ever,

DC, Notting Hill.


Probably, yes, whilst these are normally very accurate and should only destroy your neighbours there could be collateral blast damage for at least one kilometre around.  If there are a lot of separate balloons, however, this could trigger missile or drone strikes in series which will wipe out about twenty five square kilometres.  Your home insurance will not cover this because it is an “Act of God”.

Dear Annie,

We live in a leafy close with a lot of green spaces.  A few days ago a number of families with caravans and horses arrived claiming to be the Ruritanian Wallet Lifting Team who will be competing against others at the Olympic Stadium. 

A neighbour who complained to them about the midden they had created in his front garden was stoned to death along with his family.  The police say as his complaint was discriminatory there was nothing they could do.  What can we do?

EM, Hampstead.


My legal adviser tells me to say nothing but to refer you to Make Your Community Happy Ones report from the Department of the Environment.  The police action was fully justified in terms of the recent 373,000 page law on interaction between persons during Olympics year 2012. 

I am informed that the complainant’s mortgage has been foreclosed and there should be no further problem.  You are not covered for your home or life insurance.

Dear Annie,

In my retirement development along with others nearby we have all been told that we are to have a cruise of a lifetime with full facilities whilst our flats are used by persons engaged in Olympics security.  These are all dressed in American First Nation clothing which looks like the Mescalero Apache warrior type. 

However, some have been seen in service uniform with a double A insignia and shouting “Remember Ste. Mere Eglise” and “Arnhem Here We Come”.  In the pub one whose was a bit over the top claimed to be going to invade Belgium to take over Brussels to win the election for Obama.  The cruise ship looks to be very like the large aircraft carrier, USS “Benedict Arnold”.  Can you help?

KC, Kensington.


This is the opportunity of a lifetime.  As it is a “mystery” cruise you could find yourselves enjoying a visit to Tehran or Islamabad or Cape Fear for the shark feeding and mating season.  You will not need travel insurance because it is an “all in” package but there is no guarantee of a return journey.  Your life insurance or funeral insurance will be deemed void.

Dear Annie.

I find myself increasing at a loose end in my job and being given tasks that cannot be done because of interference.  Nobody seems to want to listen to me.  The latest thing I have been asked to do is reform the railways, or in short “go and play with the trains” during The Olympics.  Should I think of changing my job and seeking employment with a competing firm?

NC. Brixton.


You should be so lucky.  According to my sources your existing job may not exist for much longer so you would do well to be out of it.  It is possible you are too trusting.  Your personal liability insurance will not cover any decision you make.


Annie will be taking extended leave to compete in the equestrian hacking trials during the time that the Olympics are in progress.


  1. Your blog is in breach of the serious Olympic blogging EU initiative number 1, which states no pleasure, joy or happiness during the Olympic year is allowed.
    You are found guilty of extreme humour and sentenced to purchase sponsor products only for life.

  2. Oldrightie is correct. This is unbranded Olympic themed humour with no official status. It may be funny, but that won't save you.

    Expect five rings on your doorbell.