Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Government By Computer



Distribution: All Office of PM Staff
Copy: Selected Permanent Secretaries & My Best Friends
Order Of The Day: Don’t tell the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

It is with pleasure that after long negotiation that we announce a specific bespoke system of Windows Vista for the Office of The Prime Minister and the central directing unit of our New Labour Ministry. Although some of the exciting in-your-face advertising material may seem intrusive, please be aware that the revenue they give to our fighting fund for the New Britain is integral to the success of this venture. Those who feel that our latest media helper to come on board; code name “Des”; has links to exciting web sites and sources of information foreign to you should remember that we live in the new millennium age for culture and that the youthful vigour to be found on those links are part of our Cool Britannia purpose oriented function. The unique “Office Relations With John And Tracey” screen opening has been devised for maximum impact. Should you be of an uptight disposition your file will be marked “In need of therapy”. The NHS New Wave electrode implanted in your brain (sorry about the problems) covers this instruction. Unauthorised leaks or the issue of personal press releases will entail being sent to the Department of Culture Media and Sport to work on the 2012 Olympics project.

Basic Elements

The Recycle Bin is now: “Breathtaking new opportunity.”
My Computer is called: "The engine room of the new economy.”
Broadband Networking is called: “Our ongoing plan for action.”
Control Panel is known as: “Mandy”.
Hard Drive is referred to as: “Toughing out the difficult decisions.”
CD drive is: “In depth reserves of thrusting administrative energy.”
USB connections are: “Consultant inputs”.
Pop up instead of an error message: “Responsibility clearly lies elsewhere.”

Changes in Terminology

OK: “We are in fundamental agreement with the essential propositions as we understand and define them”
Cancel: “After full and in depth consultation we are taking a new direction.”
Reset: “The policy formulation is stepping up a gear”.
Yes: “We are happy to say that despite all the difficulties and inherent complexities we have arrived at a formula which is agreeable to the respective parties.”
No: “At this moment in time there are negative elements that are affecting the ongoing decision making process.”
Search: “We have to extend our understanding and knowledge on this vital matter.”
Go to: “We are at the forefront of progress.”
Back: “There is a great deal to be done, so we are determined to get it right in the long run, and this entails an ongoing review.”
Help: “We are in complete control of the situation, but clearly it is only right to launch an investigation seek out those responsible for obstructing our forward momentum.”
Stop: “This is a good time to reflect on all our achievements.”
Start: “This is a wonderful initiative which will lead to many good things.”
Settings: “When we have the nuts and bolts right then we will be able to overcome the difficulties that are being put in our way.”
Programs: “The full range of future policy successes.”
Documents: “Policy formulation, administrative advice, correspondence, confidential information in type; and all other material at the pre-shredder stage.”

Technical Features

Motherboard: European Commission.
Fatherboard: Not known, refer to as “One Night Stand”.
Processor: Pennsylvania Avenue 1555
Protocols: Gateskeeper
Keyboard: Seventies Punk.
Mouse: Self-reversing spin wheel.
Power: Wind.
Tower: Brown Bakelite.
Disc Drive: Treasury Slow Slow Quick Quick Slow.
Home Page: News of the World.
Broadband Router: Big Dick (aka Beardie)
Random Memory: NHS IT Project
Restart: Go Abroad To Conference
ISP: Never Never Land

Programmes exclusive to our own system

Autogarble: An added facility for Press Statements.
Security: Jokes and other humour.
Hangman & Solitaire: Home Office Management.
Smart Prevaricate: To enable ministerial personal media advisers.
Ossa/Pelion: Government legislative programme.
Favourites: Links to business, equity finance, private banks, and escort services.
Bentword: Automatically corrects vague promises to convincing mode.
Fantasy Island: Office for National Statistics.
Graphics: Manipulates diagrams to required interpretation.
Spellchecker: Attorney General Function, changes text to incomprehensible mode.
Crash: NHS Computer Services.
Groanspeak: Scots – English translator.
Twittertalk: London – English translator.
Liar Poker: Annual Budget Review.
Bastard: Genealogy and Family History.
Calculator: Auto figures fudger.
The Undertaker: Drugs and Firearms Control.
Tillfinger: Ministerial Salaries, Expenses, and Awards of Honours.
Goblin Teasmaid: The Foreign Secretary.
Macho Zap: Trident Missile Start.
Notepad: For use when Text Phone fails.
Microsoft Explorer 666: Device to hack into opposition computers.
Pictures & Media: Ten thousand representations of Our Great and Dear Leader.


Should the Prime Minister ring you on the red emergency telephone advise him to find the plug at the end of the long lead, identify the nearest power point, insert the plug and then to press the small thingy by the side and insist; despite the personal doubts he will express; that this will have the effect of introducing what is known to him now as the electrical power necessary to the full functioning of his apparatus.

If this fails under no circumstances whatsoever should you refer the matter to the Department of Technology, as this will disrupt the entire system, but call in the ILSNABCADEO (The Infused Liquids Sundry Non-Alcoholic Beverages & Comestibles Allocation and Distribution Executive Officer) with her trolley on a contracted out non-core activity basis who will know what to do.


1 comment:

  1. Sounds as though you are encouraging Jimmy to press a button. Thank goodness he never listens!