Any Old Isms? Any Old Isms? Any Any Any Old Ism's?

In the last few centuries, how many is debateable, humanity has collected a number of ‘Isms to direct the mind, explain our behaviour, and give us comfort in times of trial. To these might be added “Ics”, or “Ians”, a number of “Ologies” of one sort or another. Then there are “Mania’s”. These are not exclusive and are subject to interpretation. My Ism is your Ology, your Ology is their Mania, and their Mania is my Ism. I hope this is quite clear. For this comment I will stick to Isms, because I have had a lot of them in my time, some enforced, others as fashion, and now and again because one had a passing attraction, like a steam hauled train going through when you are waiting for the dreary modern rattletrap for which you have a ticket.

Some of the most fervent and anxious opinions out there in the media and on the net are all to do with Isms. All I need to do is mention one in particular and express a slight reservation, and then there will be a thunder of hooves in the distance, or worse a lot of abusive and threatening mails in the inbox getting in the way of my Fantasy Football operations.

The essential trouble with an Ism that has been around a long time is that when it is further from its roots, the human condition changes, and as other radical changes occur not only does it morph into something quite different, but these stresses in turn spawn Schisms, so an Ism has many sub-Isms. This is getting complicated, if you do not believe me study ecclesiastical history. It is said that at one time in Yorkshire the proliferation of dissenting chapels was such that in some places almost every family ran their own chapel. It exists elsewhere, but probably I have already upset too many people.

That is just religion. In economics and commerce it becomes a lot more serious and emotional. Even the flagellants of old cannot match for fervour the proponents of this Ism or that Ism relating to the ordinary business of life and money. Capitalism, Socialism, Communism, Corporatism, Fascism (nowadays sometimes disguised as Nationalism) all these and more are on offer for those who seek some kind of explanation for what the hell is going on.

At present we have a government that has come to believe on the basis of whatever Ism they employ; this is a matter of confusion and disagreement; that moving digital money about rapidly by computer is the key to the future and wealth and happiness. At least for the few who are party to it, and can draw down the benefits. Some call this Capitalism, and if so, it has certainly morphed, it is very different from the pre Limited Liability form, and the early 20th Century industrial age types. One school suggests that the word now relates to systems that try to maximise the rents on what they own, and this entails the exploitation of whatever and whoever they can get their hands on. It might explain the relapse into different forms of bondage that much of present humanity endures.

If so then not only do self styled Capitalists have very different ideas of what their Ism actually is and does, but the notion becomes incomprehensible to everyone else. So as an Ism it is now redundant, and we need to dream up a whole new set of words or phrases to try to explain matters. Socialism and Communism have had that problem. In our modern world this is not easy.

Once upon a time if someone had done enough swotting, written big books that got circulated, and attracted enough interest and agreement, you could have a new Ism established in a generation or two. These days, you knock out something from a quick search of a few Wikipedia entries and the odd bit or two from Google Scholar in the morning, post it in the afternoon, then after adverse reactions and threats amend it in the evening, but by the next morning it is dead in the water and you have to start all over again.

This is not good news for philosophers or theologians, still less for economists or social scientists. It does not affect politics, but those practitioners have always had a flexible way of dealing with things. At the dawn of the 21st Century; that is by the calculations of some Isms; there are those with different dating patterns; perhaps it is time for humanity to clear out the intellectual lofts, sheds, and cupboards of what passes for all the whole world of theory.

If none of the old Isms are any use they represent obstacles to any assessment of the human condition now and in the foreseeable future, whether rational, emotional, spiritual, or even cynical. We have only what we know, and that isn’t much, what we can judge relating to the degree of perception as to what is going on around us, what our instincts may tell us, and what any notions of morality may guide us.

So why not dump the lot? Perhaps a sonic boom from a passing near earth object, or a blast of cosmic rays from some distant galactic catastrophe, or perhaps simply the total crash of our electrical supply systems from a bigger than usual solar flare might do the job for us.

Oh dear, I have just contracted a new Ism. It is called Fatalism. Does anyone share my ideas? Imagine the T Shirts, “Fatalism Is The Future” or “Fatalism Rules OK”. If you can’t beat them, join them.

Gordon Brown The Granny Basher

Artwork by “Banksy”.

Channel 4 News carried a story on Tuesday 1st September News concerning the exploitation of the very elderly in retirement developments by the controlling financial operators maximising their income streams irrespective of the consequences to those affected. And all thanks to Gordon. So if your granny or grandpa, or ancient aunt or uncle is holed up in one of these flats, and hungry, cold, and stripped of their savings you know exactly who to blame.

Because of the protection given by English law and judges to the wealthy against criticism by the poor C4 has had its lawyers crawling all over the item for months. It was a carefully crafted piece, but inevitably left gaps. The moral behind the whole story is how much of ordinary life has now been handed over to speculators and high rolling financial engineers to do their worst as they seek to do their best for their personal trusts and accounts in tax havens and secrecy jurisdictions.

This is British fair play, 21st Century government style. I start with the bog standard simple matter of routine buildings insurance. You might imagine that all the spin about competition and the rest from Brussels and London might mean anything, but not in Gordon’s alternative universe. Imagine a company being able to run a subsidiary insurance company where the holders of the policies are compelled to buy them and have no choice, where the company does not spell out what is in the policy in writing to the policy holders, where cover conventional in other insurance company policies are omitted, where claims are made verbally to House Managers, who are agents of the company, who handle any paper work, and then determined at the company office by the company.

Better still, when the inevitable happens here and there and works need to be done, the company decides who is to do it, how it shall be done, what upfront charges might be made by contractors, what administration charges to impose on the bill, and when it comes to the actual work, the company determines what the level of costs etc. are in the bill. Should the company decide that it is not covered by the policy, and who can argue, the company will decree who is to pay the bill, and if the chosen ask questions, gently remind them that it is entirely legal, and if they do not come up with the money, they might be in default on the leasehold. Should they then be eligible for eviction, the property will be sold. How fortunate the company has its very own property sales subsidiary to ensure all is dealt with properly. The ancient policy holder, who may be disabled, terminally ill, or seriously vulnerable, is, let us say, at a slight disadvantage in the transactions.

It can get even better, the properties have security systems, much needed you may think in the Britain of today (thank you Gordon again). Once more the company has a dedicated subsidiary that provides this service and determines the charges, again no choice. These it is argued tend to be on the high side. However, the company asserts that it is a better service than the competition. Up to a point, Lord Foy. It is only the service the company is willing to provide. During the working day, normally the House Manager on site deals with matters, unless they have been called to a company meeting. Out of working hours it is the security system service that deals with emergencies and queries.

However, the security system, in line with the steep increases in charges, has been streamlined. This is called “efficiency” which to the company means that the take has been significantly increased. What happens on the ground is entirely another matter. Entrance to a development is controlled by the security service who in theory issues a code to key services to allow entry through the door controls. These, in line with normal safeguards, may change. What then can happen is that because of a failure in communication the key services cannot gain access and need to call up the security service. There is no fall back to deal with this situation, because the service has been made more “efficient”. So if emergency services turn up, especially ambulances, paramedics, or doctors, and they do not have the code they are not allowed in, there is no way of finding the code and the security service does not and will not communicate with the control offices of the emergency services.

As there has been a huge reduction in nursing and residential home places, thanks to Gordon’s “care in the community”, new regulations, and a property boom, there are many more people in retirement developments completely reliant on local care and medical services. Also, hospitals these days, thanks to Gordon’s PFI schemes and ”efficiency” wheezes, send people home as soon as possible, sometimes even straight from the operating theatre. The result is many more times that emergency services are called to developments. On a bad night in the early hours, there can be more milling about than at your average motorway pile-up if they can’t get through the doors. If some mad old interfering person actually lets the ambulance crews, paramedics and police in, the company will ask the House Manager to gently suggest to them that there are legal issues. Nice touch that, right out of the government’s magic bag. Not good, however, if granny has had a bad fall, a stroke, a cardiac arrest, or is going into a diabetic coma.

It is all quite legal, as are the accounts for the individual developments, a pity that the pressures of modern life lead to so many errors and misinterpretations that seem to push up the charges. What a pity granny hasn’t got a degree in management accounting to be able to work it out and make constructive criticism. Then, of course, a related company owned by the same people has the freeholds. Since the company took over, suddenly there is a raft of extra charges for this and that, it is alleged are outside the strict terms of the leasehold. No problem, if granny wants to argue she can always go to a tribunal or the courts. Of course, the legal charges will have to be met, and the company will be able to field a team of the most expensive and expert in the business.

The original concept of this form of retirement development was to provide a secure, comfortable haven for the not so well off and where there was much less to worry about, until the time came for them to need full scale care in specialist nursing homes. There was a decent profit in it, strangely at a much lower cost and with more people employed to deal with things. After a series of takeovers, they are now in the hands of off shore based property and financial companies who regard them as milk cows providing income streams for speculative ventures and large scale financial engineering based on high leverage and the securitisation of assets. As Gordon has decided to go digital on TV, there is more to be made. The charges for satellite and cable services are amongst the most expensive in the world.

Of course, Gordon will say he was not responsible for the credit crunch, if anyone it was granny in her retirement flat refusing to go on a consumer binge, take on credit card debt or buy equity release schemes from a financial and mortgage company owned by the other company who borrow from, oh, just keep going and going. Which is exactly what is happening. William Buiter in his Maverecon blog in the FT on Wednesday, 2nd September observed “The financial sector is too big throughout the overdeveloped world in part because much of it enjoys a free state guarantee against default on its unsecured debt. Retail deposits are explicitly insured, but at premiums that imply a taxpayer subsidy. Other counterparties of banks and other systemically important financial institutions also benefit from implicit default guarantees. The cost of capital to the banking sector is subsidised, causing the sector to be too large.”

Just what has this to do with granny? Well, the company that owns all these other companies is owned by a trust, linked via other trusts and companies, to related financial entities, that are in hock big time to RBS, yup, Fred The Shredders Own Financial Dragoons, and their Viking Icelandic friends. Fred has walked away with an annual pension of around two hundred times more granny’s annual income, kindly paid for by the government that is the taxpayer. One way or another granny pays. Bail out the billionaires and bash the grannies.

What have the owners of all these companies be doing lately? Sitting on their yachts with a bunch of fawning celebrities and politicians having fun in the sun? Who amongst our ministers and Members of Parliament, I wonder, are associated with them, and enjoy the fruits of the advice and consultancy facilities for which they are paid so handsomely into accounts in secrecy jurisdictions?

And where is granny? Lying on the floor waiting for the medics who are unable to get into the building?

Afghanistan And Londonistan

When the news reached Tiberius of the debacle in the wild tribal interior of Germania after Publius Quinctilius Varus led the 17th, 18th, and 19th Legions, six cohorts of auxiliaries and three squadrons of cavalry to their deaths in 9 AD you may imagine his anger at the Emperor Augustus for putting a lawyer politician in direct charge of troops in a politically unstable area with a hostile aggressive population difficult to control at the best of times.

But this is history, and nothing to do with the present. General McChrystal is understood to have advised that the present USA strategy in Afghanistan is like a bull charging at a Matador. It is a graphic analogy, but not quite right. It is more like a bull charging the banderilleros and the picadores while they wear him down for the matador to finish him off.

To put it in simpler military terms, if you cannot bring the main force of the enemy to battle, and they remain mobile, unpredictable, and difficult to locate, then you have problems that are going to be difficult to resolve in the short term. To deal with them in detail entails a long hard expensive campaign, and critically keeping the citizenry in between on your side. This will add to the expense and the problems if they do not share your mindset.

On the other hand, you could follow the example of Sir Thomas of Hoo, Lord of Hoo and Hastings, who was active in the Caux in Normandy in the 1430’s, and that is to kill as many men as you can lay your hands on and disperse the remaining population. So instead of spending two generations trying to pacify an area, it will be at least two generations before anyone there can give you any trouble.

Better still; don’t get into that situation in the first place. But this is what happens when you have lawyer politicians in charge, especially from jurisdictions that rely on adversarial procedures both in the practice of law and its making. For the lawyer, ignorant of the realities of actual combat, the structures and organisation needed, and critically the demands of logistics, sending in the troops is just another legal ploy to try to make your point more strongly than the opposition. Moreover, lawyers tend to twist any figures and rarely look at the costs, until that is, they present the bills.

Which brings me to the UK and figures. The Army total manpower is said to be at around 100,000, or whom around 15,000 are committed in Afghanistan. As anyone familiar with military history knows, those in action now, will not be those in action even in a year or two, nor later. There is a rapid turnover. At the Battle of Waterloo in 1815 the 71st was claimed to have only 13 of the 800+ men who began the long march in Spain in 1808, and this was typical. I suspect the figure is right, having gone through the muster rolls of the 71st and others that are available. That was seven years.

In July 1945 when the 7th Armoured Division represented the British Army in the Allied Victory Parade in Berlin, many of the men there had not been with the division when the Battle of El Alamein was fought in late 1942. There had been remanning before invading Sicily in 1943, again for the 1944 Normandy landings, and after the advance through France further substantial remanning. In order to sustain this division of around 17,000 men a through put of about 75,000 men were needed on top of the normal extra-divisional military support. This was less than three years. We have been in Afghanistan now close to eight years.

So for the 15,000 there now, there will be those in the immediate reserve, and behind those, troops in first stage, and second stage training. So to sustain 15,000, now, others are in the immediate reserve, with a greater number needed for the future. In short, perhaps a half or more of the Army as it stands is required for the Afghanistan commitment. Of the rest, despite the out sourcing of much activity, it is only a small base on which to conduct overseas military operations. Also, it has to be remembered that the deaths and severe casualties are the smaller numbers. There are many more who have served already, perhaps several times, in Iraq as well as Afghanistan, who are still in one piece but beyond active service and are serving in the Army in other necessary capacities.

Now we come to the Metropolitan Police, on active service in Londonistan. The effect the lawyer politicians have had on this group of men and their management is deeply worrying. There have been two minor events recently, don’t believe the hype in the media, they have been trivial compared to some in the past. They are the G20 business and the recent confrontation between two groups of hooligans using football as an excuse. The Met’ has not done well; this is not the place to discuss it. What seems to be a major problem is the protocols and procedures married to command systems that cannot cope with a changing situation on the ground. There have been too many other bad examples recently.

At the West Ham ground the Met’ officers did not seem to know what they were doing or why and the hooligan groups were a hapless disorganised bunch of drunks, fat, unfit, and basically useless. The G20 protestors essentially were a random sample of activists. If the Met’ cannot handle this lot, what could happen if they are faced with groups that are anywhere near capable, half decently organised, sober, and with effective communications? The shambles at Kingsnorth with the Kent Constabulary does not suggest that any of the provincial forces could do any better, and some a great deal worse.

Where the two come together is closer than you may think. It was reported a few days ago that over the channel are 1000+ Afghans determined to come to Britain. Perhaps they are eager to take part in awareness courses under initiatives promoted by Harriet Harman. Perhaps they are hoping to find jobs in the expanding public sector. Perhaps they have watched so much Premier League football on satellite TV that they are eager to become football supporters. The point that we ought to consider is how many are already here, and how many more are in the pipeline. Add to those others of the same broad belief systems from neighbouring areas, and you begin to have some serious figures. Many may have been amongst the 100,000 or so “students” a year who disappear from the figures during or at the end of their course.

If you are a determined pessimist, you may calculate that not only are there far more militant Afghans and related others in Britain than there are British troops in Afghanistan, but the numbers of their reserves and recruits in Britain are much greater than the numbers in the British Army and the disparity is growing steadily. In less than three years in London there is to be a 16 day festival of sports under the Olympic product label, sponsored by consumer and financial product companies which will have the whole of the world’s media in attendance. So there is less than two years to have the organisation fully prepared and ready.

If the Army is still committed to Afghanistan with nothing to spare for internal security, and the Met’ and provincial police forces are still a bunch of jobsworth bureaucrats with mobile phones wandering and wondering what do to and when the various committees back at control make up their minds, what might happen?

Free Markets, Fake Markets, Real Markets, & The Inquisition

When is a Free Market not a Free Market? The main plea being put up by all the broke banks, the money movers, and financial fiddlers is that if they are called to account, and subject to the ordinary laws that most of us have to obey, then the economic structure that they command, and call “The Free Market” will collapse. This, they allege, would be a terrible thing, and they call up the ghosts of economists and philosophers past to support their claims. Even the Ludwig von Mises Institute (Tu ne cede malis) too often assumes that this present ungodly crew of the greedy, grabbing, and greasers constitutes a Free Market.

There has not been a free market in UK finance for many years. The recent set up in the City has been a cosy fix between bankers, high roll business and property speculators, hedge fund operators, and above all the government who have held the ring, and subsidised to the hilt most of the fancier arrangements that have been made. There have been all the manipulation of indexes and statistics, all those juicy PFI contracts off balance sheet, all those property deals with private equity, all those consultancy and accounting capers round every government department, quangos, and agencies, all those crazy computer crashes, all those defence debacles, railway rollovers, and more lately all that laughable social entrepreneurship with all the usual suspects lined up to take a chunk out of Labour’s local deals.

What is a free market like? The one above, pictured before World War One is Leicester Market, where thirty or so years later David Attenborough might be found looking for grubs at the greengrocers, or crawling after caterpillars. Perhaps Joe Orton studied dialogue there and Engelbert Humperdinck learned voice projection not long after. The famous footballer Gary Lineker when young was behind a stall. Even today, some locals still sing the traditional folk song “I bought a cabbage today from Gary Lineker” to the tune of “La Donna E Mobile”.

At the stalls you knew the prices of everything and could compare them. You had a good idea of seasonality and supply and the reasons for variations in price. You dealt in cash. You could buy or not. There was extensive choice for many basic products; you knew where they came from and who had handled them and much else. When you asked questions you were given clear answers. And the market was regulated by the local council Licensing and Marketing Committee, so everyone knew the ground rules. Also, local knowledge was substantial, the names of traders who adulterated or mispriced their goods or short changed would be exchanged freely and without hindrance by the local population without fear or favour.

So what do we have in the world of modern finance? I quote from Richard Murphy of the Tax Research UK blog allied to the Tax Justice Network:

“We may be at a rare moment when the interests of rich and poor countries are synonymous. At the heart of the current worldwide economic crisis is a lack of transparency in the global financial system. This is the end product of a half century of creating and expanding a shadow financial structure comprising tax havens, secrecy jurisdictions, disguised corporations, anonymous trust accounts, and fake foundations.

Also included in this system are trade mispricing mechanisms, money laundering techniques, and gaps left in national laws that facilitate movement of the proceeds of bribery and theft, criminal activity, and commercial tax evasion across borders.

The consequences of this murky structure and the money it moves are now clear:

In developed countries, credit collapsed in large part due to the difficulty of appraising the quality of assets held by financial institutions that operate partially or wholly within this opaque system.

In developing countries, an estimated US$1 trillion a year of illicitly generated money is shifted abroad through this system, constituting the most damaging economic condition hurting the poor, undermining poverty alleviation, delaying sustainable growth, and weakening democracy and the rule of law”

What it amounts to is a more or less self appointed group of international companies and organizations, with associated oligarchies and local warlords are running a set of operations that are no more a free market than was Al Capone and his Prohibition Booze Runners. What was it that President Eisenhower said about the industrial-military complex? Substitute financial for industrial for the 21st Century version. Shock horror that some operators who might have to pay the same level of ordinary local taxes might leave us. Shock horror, that the bonuses these people pay each other and decide amongst themselves might suffer a reduction in income in the same proportion that the old and disabled are already suffering. Shock horror that they might have to provide the sort of information that the economists and philosophers of the past supposed was vital to any market that was truly free.

The Tax Justice Network on 27 August covering a report in “The Guardian” on Lord Turner’s suggestion that most of the operations of the City of London were socially useless, quotes a comment that I could not beat for accuracy or brevity.:

"If you will permit me to speak frankly, the answer to the question "why does a financial exec pay himself so much?" is the same answer to the question "why does a dog lick its private parts?" Because it can."

As for Free Market Information, there has been a procession of lawyers to the London libel court representing a very rum set of coves who have been exposed to criticism. The weird judge made laws relating to the odder clauses of Human Rights legislation (protect the rich at all costs and sod the poor) have unfailingly given them the right not only to secrecy but to be protected from any form of criticism or questioning under any circumstances. So academic mathematicians who query or suggest flaws in the formulae and models used by major finance corporations are silenced and cannot publish their work because they and perhaps their universities would be ruined by even the costs of a successful defence. That is difficult given in these cases the requirement for absolute proof, the presumption of guilt, and the restrictions on evidence. If knowledge is silenced and debate forbidden, then there is no Free Market in international finance, and the City of London and its back offices in Edinburgh, Dublin, and the British Administered Authorities are havens for all those who do not want questions asked.

In an historical article on the Ludwig von Mises Institute web site “The School Of Salamanca Saw This Coming” it is said that the Theologians at that university 500 years ago came to the view that how prices were determined involved so many complexities that only God could know. Those deeply religious thinkers were members of the Dominican and Jesuit orders. It is a mind boggling idea that the Dominicans, who were key to the Inquisition in Spain, seemingly knew the truth about free markets much better than our politicians, bankers and financiers of today. But then the Dominicans of the Priory of the Holy Cross in Leicester in modern times bought their food at the Leicester Market. If a trader tried to put one across them, it would not be regulation he would have to worry about, it was spending eternity in hell fire.

Perhaps if Auto de Fe events in Smithfield and Parliament Square were held to ensure that those in the City and Westminster who were in grievous error over the Doctrine of Just Prices and the concomitant Free Markets were called to the ultimate regulator, the world might be a happier place. Certainly I would be, especially if I had a front seat.

Government By Computer

SECRET

OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTER AND FIRST LORD OF THE TREASURY

Distribution: All Office of PM Staff
Copy: Selected Permanent Secretaries & My Best Friends
Order Of The Day: Don’t tell the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

It is with pleasure that after long negotiation that we announce a specific bespoke system of Windows Vista for the Office of The Prime Minister and the central directing unit of our New Labour Ministry. Although some of the exciting in-your-face advertising material may seem intrusive, please be aware that the revenue they give to our fighting fund for the New Britain is integral to the success of this venture. Those who feel that our latest media helper to come on board; code name “Des”; has links to exciting web sites and sources of information foreign to you should remember that we live in the new millennium age for culture and that the youthful vigour to be found on those links are part of our Cool Britannia purpose oriented function. The unique “Office Relations With John And Tracey” screen opening has been devised for maximum impact. Should you be of an uptight disposition your file will be marked “In need of therapy”. The NHS New Wave electrode implanted in your brain (sorry about the problems) covers this instruction. Unauthorised leaks or the issue of personal press releases will entail being sent to the Department of Culture Media and Sport to work on the 2012 Olympics project.

Basic Elements

The Recycle Bin is now: “Breathtaking new opportunity.”
My Computer is called: "The engine room of the new economy.”
Broadband Networking is called: “Our ongoing plan for action.”
Control Panel is known as: “Mandy”.
Hard Drive is referred to as: “Toughing out the difficult decisions.”
CD drive is: “In depth reserves of thrusting administrative energy.”
USB connections are: “Consultant inputs”.
Pop up instead of an error message: “Responsibility clearly lies elsewhere.”

Changes in Terminology

OK: “We are in fundamental agreement with the essential propositions as we understand and define them”
Cancel: “After full and in depth consultation we are taking a new direction.”
Reset: “The policy formulation is stepping up a gear”.
Yes: “We are happy to say that despite all the difficulties and inherent complexities we have arrived at a formula which is agreeable to the respective parties.”
No: “At this moment in time there are negative elements that are affecting the ongoing decision making process.”
Search: “We have to extend our understanding and knowledge on this vital matter.”
Go to: “We are at the forefront of progress.”
Back: “There is a great deal to be done, so we are determined to get it right in the long run, and this entails an ongoing review.”
Help: “We are in complete control of the situation, but clearly it is only right to launch an investigation seek out those responsible for obstructing our forward momentum.”
Stop: “This is a good time to reflect on all our achievements.”
Start: “This is a wonderful initiative which will lead to many good things.”
Settings: “When we have the nuts and bolts right then we will be able to overcome the difficulties that are being put in our way.”
Programs: “The full range of future policy successes.”
Documents: “Policy formulation, administrative advice, correspondence, confidential information in type; and all other material at the pre-shredder stage.”

Technical Features

Motherboard: European Commission.
Fatherboard: Not known, refer to as “One Night Stand”.
Processor: Pennsylvania Avenue 1555
Protocols: Gateskeeper
Keyboard: Seventies Punk.
Mouse: Self-reversing spin wheel.
Power: Wind.
Tower: Brown Bakelite.
Disc Drive: Treasury Slow Slow Quick Quick Slow.
Home Page: News of the World.
Broadband Router: Big Dick (aka Beardie)
Random Memory: NHS IT Project
Restart: Go Abroad To Conference
ISP: Never Never Land

Programmes exclusive to our own system

Autogarble: An added facility for Press Statements.
Security: Jokes and other humour.
Hangman & Solitaire: Home Office Management.
Smart Prevaricate: To enable ministerial personal media advisers.
Ossa/Pelion: Government legislative programme.
Favourites: Links to business, equity finance, private banks, and escort services.
Bentword: Automatically corrects vague promises to convincing mode.
Fantasy Island: Office for National Statistics.
Graphics: Manipulates diagrams to required interpretation.
Spellchecker: Attorney General Function, changes text to incomprehensible mode.
Crash: NHS Computer Services.
Groanspeak: Scots – English translator.
Twittertalk: London – English translator.
Liar Poker: Annual Budget Review.
Bastard: Genealogy and Family History.
Calculator: Auto figures fudger.
The Undertaker: Drugs and Firearms Control.
Tillfinger: Ministerial Salaries, Expenses, and Awards of Honours.
Goblin Teasmaid: The Foreign Secretary.
Macho Zap: Trident Missile Start.
Notepad: For use when Text Phone fails.
Microsoft Explorer 666: Device to hack into opposition computers.
Pictures & Media: Ten thousand representations of Our Great and Dear Leader.

Note

Should the Prime Minister ring you on the red emergency telephone advise him to find the plug at the end of the long lead, identify the nearest power point, insert the plug and then to press the small thingy by the side and insist; despite the personal doubts he will express; that this will have the effect of introducing what is known to him now as the electrical power necessary to the full functioning of his apparatus.

If this fails under no circumstances whatsoever should you refer the matter to the Department of Technology, as this will disrupt the entire system, but call in the ILSNABCADEO (The Infused Liquids Sundry Non-Alcoholic Beverages & Comestibles Allocation and Distribution Executive Officer) with her trolley on a contracted out non-core activity basis who will know what to do.

SECRET

Robert Burns, BBC Proms, Anniversaries & Organic Farming

What is it with the BBC Proms and anniversaries? They are heavy on the big names, but are reluctant to tackle some of the less known or “different” names and there are opportunities missed. This year is the 250th anniversary of the birth of Robert Burns, an event which has been noticed north of The Tweed. But for the BBC Proms strutting its stuff as a major international festival, forward looking, and all encompassing, Burns is off limits. There is the Mendelssohn “Scottish Symphony”, some modern Scots Composers, but nothing at all about Burns, who was a lyricist as much as a poet. Moreover, Burns is celebrated across the world. In a festival lasting for weeks, with the BBC forever talking about diversity, why nothing at all?

It is easy to see why the BBC might have stayed clear. They have a large hall to fill, it is now ever necessary to have high occupation figures, and what might they have done? The substantial Scottish community in the London area of the past has gone, and those that are there are lost to sight. Also, there is a basic problem.

It is that the Burns songs have been serially murdered over the last 150 years. The introduction of iron framed large pianos in the early 19th Century, with their sound allied to popularised paper music notation meant that the songs became the stuff of drawing room sentiment, and worse in the music halls the type of exaggerated emotion of the period. Later, the crooners made their impact, and then another assault was made by the joint forces of Faux Folk and Folk Rock.

Add to them sundry forms of instrumentation from anywhere, mikes, and amplifiers, and you have what results. It is how the vast majority of people hear them today, and think that is what they are. Because of what he is alleged to represent any critique of what is claimed to be his work is unacceptable, including those who want to rescue the real talent of the man from the relentless mush of commercialisation, interpretations, and imposed agendas of almost two centuries.

In the study of the brain, and the way it hears, processes and delivers sound, most theories have had little to go on, they have been based on very limited evidence. With new equipment and technique available it is now possible to see into the brain its reactions, and to work out possibilities. Now, there is the question of which came first, language or music, how one might have developed from another, and how much either or both evolved from or caused human capability to develop.

It is clear that some humans because of some feature of neurology are special in how they hear sound, how they can retain it, and make use of it. In music they might be prodigies very young, realise the ability only later, or for some reason have almost total recall, and quite rarely can match music and voice in a very special way.

To know that, it is necessary to have a piece played in a form that is at least near to that of the composer’s intentions, and in a sound world not too far removed in terms of structure and performance. Essentially, Burns took the tunes, heard in his sound world of the time, and brought words to interplay with the music to create a lyrical and poetic experience for the listener.

We can only judge how good he was if we can do that and come close to his idea and intention. The sound world of the Ayrshire and Dumfries of his time, and the places he ventured out to at times are a world away from our own age. He did not write for the concert hall; nor any large assembly; nor the church, but for groups of listening people in small places that knew him and that he knew. So they are intensely personal, for voice, close to the tune, and in his mind of sounds perhaps with an accompaniment of such instruments that were literally to hand.

So what were the voices of that time? There have been scholars that have looked intensely at the sound of the voices of the past. The handful of early recordings we have from a century or so ago tell us that speech was different. We know that the use of the singing voice has changed. In my own recollection of voices I heard of people born in the 1860’s to 1890’s tell me a good deal about how the use of words and intonations can vary, and these include people whose family were in Ayrshire at the time of Burns and before and who I knew well.

There has been serious academic study done on the voice patterns, pronunciation, and use of language in Ayrshire in that period. We know that some of Burns’ work was very personal, some done for an immediate grouping, and some intended for the appreciation of other groups. That being so, his use of language forms vary within those of the time according to the inspiration and the intention as he responded to those around him and to his own ear.

A few years ago, I heard on the radio a performance of Burns songs by a Scots group who had tried to recreate that sound world and had tried to match an instrumentation that was of the period. Sadly, I have forgotten who they were, and have not been able to trace any recording. If it is still there it will be buried deep in the catacombs of the BBC beyond recall, classified as regional folk history, perhaps the tape was reused to record an interview with a junior minister needing to utter a soundbite or two.

What it did do was to transform Burns’ lyrics from the hack bellowing and wailing that we are told nowadays is what it should be, to works of genius where the words sit precisely on the line of the music, revealing a subtlety and understanding that few can achieve. There is a transparency and musicality that are the signs of the master. The problem for the BBC is that if they tried to rescue this to help a deeper understanding of what he was about, they would encounter bitter opposition from the many differing and often opposed interests who claim him as their own.

The tunes themselves are a varied, his choice was eclectic, taking from some he heard about him from local traditions, those that were going the rounds, to others of another kind. Some give pause for thought, the tune for “As I stood by yon roofless tower..” or “The Minstrel at Lincluden” is given as the Cumnock Psalms. If this tune is derived from the traditions of The Cameronians and The Covenanters it is a striking departure, and of interest. The reference to the Minstrel auld prefigures the “The way was long, the wind was cold, the minstrel was infirm and old…” of Scott’s “Lay Of The Last Minstrel” and the words on “lads beyond the sea in bluidy wars they fa’” have a resonance in our own time. Beyond the poetry is the Word, and The Word is the Bible, Burns does not forget it, and in his time he was never allowed to.

The major problem of our age in understanding the past, is TV and film, which rarely is remotely near any real depiction of the past, even in alleged documentaries. As well as having a modern agenda, all too often they lose sight of the wood from the trees. A Jane Austen feature where the heroine talks in a broad old Hampshire accent may be close to Jane in real life, but not to the taste and understanding of a modern TV viewer or critic.

What of Shakespeare? If you try “Now is the winter of our discontent etc.” in a West Midlands accent and a marked sneer it works remarkably well, but at the National and even the Globe they would never attempt it. As for the unceasing landslide of visual rubble that passes for the history of the Tudors, believe that and you believe anything, Lady Margaret Beaufort, where are you when we need you? But the media does not worry so long as it sells and wins the ratings battle.

It is not just Burns that the BBC has ignored. In 2006 as well as Mozart it was the anniversary of Thomas Linley, who died tragically young leaving a little music. He was a prodigy, Mozart knew him as a friend and recognised and acknowledged his genius. Linley was brother-in-law to Richard Brinsley Sheridan and his family were fully involved in the theatre and society of that period. This was the same period as Burns. The opportunities in the BBC Proms, or on any BBC channel for items both commemorating Linley, and placing him in the world of London and Bath of the time were extensive, he was connected to everyone and anyone prominent at the time. But not a thing, and he was English and in London.

A worry about the BBC is that they are all too likely to have fallen for the temptation to make use of the easy option of the Boswell and Johnson touring comedy turn in Scotland, fresh from the salons of London, although Boswell did have Ayrshire background. The pity of it is that a wonderful programme could have been devised from other local sources and records from the Ayrshire of the time. They give a rich choice of readings. They run from the wonderful “Annals of the Parish” of Galt, to other sources, Mitchell, Fullarton, Aiton, Lawrie and others on society, agriculture and the changes of the period. Within the lifetime of Burns Auld Ayr had gone. Moreover the minutes and records of the Kirk, the Corporation, and the Incorporations all have a fund of material. Why did William Burnes build the cottage where he did? Who took over the cottage in 1781 after its sale to the Incorporation of Shoemakers, what were his connections, and what was he up to?

Because of our modern preconceptions, it is likely that TV would shirk the brutal realities of farming in the Ayrshire of the period. The background of the impact of instability of climate and geophysical conditions would be difficult, let alone explaining the economics and the legal and financial hindrances such as the right of the Incorporation of Fleshers in the killing of beasts. For the work of the farm, I could explain about the question of dung and manure, and the intricacies and complexities of that market, the hedge fund and futures market of its day, but it would remind me too much of the time I spent wielding shovels and buckets in the race to fertilise unwelcoming soil. Suffice it to say, that when Robert Burns became an Excise Officer, I suspect he will have been very glad to free himself from the tyranny of the dung sledge and the fees of the Fleshers.

There is an intriguing coda to all this. In Poets Corner, the South Transept of Westminster Abbey, there is a bust of Robert Burns, high on the wall, close to those of James Thomson, an earlier renowned Scots poet, author of the words to “Rule Britannia”, and William Shakespeare. Robert’s gaze is across from one corner to the other. He looks over the grave of Richard Brinsley Sheridan seemingly at the memorial to Edward Wetenhall, 1636-1713, Bishop of Ardagh and Kilmore, and previously of Cork and Ross. The conjunctions are odd you may think. It is possible to connect them all, but that is another matter.

Do Americans Care About British Soldiers?

The heading is taken from the post of August 19th by Michael Yon about the help given to rescue and treat one of our Rifles squaddies.

http://www.michaelyon-online.com/

Click on the “more” button for the full story. It is astonishing. As someone who has done duty at field HQ level in dealing with Army emergencies over half a century ago, I can only wonder at the effort and expertise involved.

Moreover, Angels really do exist, but they are down here and not up there, and very concerned with the practicalities, ladies in America who pull out all the stops.

http://www.soldiersangels.org/

There is a time when cynicism is irrelevant, and I can only state my admiration and recognition of the services and conduct of all those involved.

Yet there is nothing in the British media, nothing from our government, nothing from any of our politicians to even hint or appreciate what is being done for our injured and our families.

But thanks to Michael Yon, there are some of us that do.