Showing posts with label Computers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Computers. Show all posts
Monday, 22 August 2011
Private And Public
It was one of those days again. Sitting, worried in a waiting room that somehow you could be helped and that there was an answer to questions you could not deal with yourself and had to depend on the expertise of others. Luckily, today they were kind and understanding and told me not to fear the worst.
No, not the quack’s where all you get is five minutes and a chit to pop pills to help him or her tick their boxes and keep the pharmaceuticals in bonuses. Nor the banks who will want to sell you schemes that you do not want, cannot afford and will probably ruin you.
It was a computer place where the old civilities still can be found if you are honest with them. Luckily, it was not my problem but someone’s who was very busy and needed a person with a bit of time to spare. With the medic’s these days it is better to use the net and for the most part safer. With computers it is not the same.
What I did see there was on an ordinary monitor half a dozen pictures that I took to be news items or video’s of entertainments. It wasn’t, it was CCTV of their building and area that was fascinating to watch, if you are nosey that is.
So much for privacy, anyone these days with a few quid to spare and a decent set up can have good wide coverage of their home and site in detail at no great cost. More to the point, this does not just deter some it can be a source of evidence when needed. But it isn’t private, all is recorded and if you are not careful, revealed.
Full colour, up to a dozen cameras at once; sharp definition, it had time lapse and also movement sensitive and all dealing with the space of a terrace house and back garden. Wow, all you needed instead of a computer monitor was a few big screens to give you life as we know it.
Stepping out into the High Street, you might expect to have moved away from this. Not so, the main parts of town are festooned with cameras and somewhere out there could be people watching. They will be getting bored with my dance routines so I do not bother any more.
In any case the public sector CCTV seems to be nowhere near as good as the private domestic version and is often switched off to save money. It is rare that street crime leads to court cases because the evidence is so bad. No wonder so many of our local hoods have switched income streams from burglary to mugging.
Back in the old days of film and TV of the mid to late 20th Century one way to impress the viewers was to have huge rooms full of computer hardware and white coated or other high tech’ minions running around in a flat panic keeping it all going.
Now all it needs is an ordinary person with a small box of tricks, keyboard and screen and a few well placed mini-cameras to do the same more or less between sorting out the paper work, making the coffee and answering the phone.
The reason I was there was because a large public sector organisation had lost all the relevant records and totally botched what needed to be done. This small private sector entity had it sorted out while I was drinking a cup of tea they had kindly supplied.
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Government By Computer

SECRET
OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTER AND FIRST LORD OF THE TREASURY
Distribution: All Office of PM Staff
Copy: Selected Permanent Secretaries & My Best Friends
Order Of The Day: Don’t tell the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
It is with pleasure that after long negotiation that we announce a specific bespoke system of Windows Vista for the Office of The Prime Minister and the central directing unit of our New Labour Ministry. Although some of the exciting in-your-face advertising material may seem intrusive, please be aware that the revenue they give to our fighting fund for the New Britain is integral to the success of this venture. Those who feel that our latest media helper to come on board; code name “Des”; has links to exciting web sites and sources of information foreign to you should remember that we live in the new millennium age for culture and that the youthful vigour to be found on those links are part of our Cool Britannia purpose oriented function. The unique “Office Relations With John And Tracey” screen opening has been devised for maximum impact. Should you be of an uptight disposition your file will be marked “In need of therapy”. The NHS New Wave electrode implanted in your brain (sorry about the problems) covers this instruction. Unauthorised leaks or the issue of personal press releases will entail being sent to the Department of Culture Media and Sport to work on the 2012 Olympics project.
Basic Elements
The Recycle Bin is now: “Breathtaking new opportunity.”
My Computer is called: "The engine room of the new economy.”
Broadband Networking is called: “Our ongoing plan for action.”
Control Panel is known as: “Mandy”.
Hard Drive is referred to as: “Toughing out the difficult decisions.”
CD drive is: “In depth reserves of thrusting administrative energy.”
USB connections are: “Consultant inputs”.
Pop up instead of an error message: “Responsibility clearly lies elsewhere.”
Changes in Terminology
OK: “We are in fundamental agreement with the essential propositions as we understand and define them”
Cancel: “After full and in depth consultation we are taking a new direction.”
Reset: “The policy formulation is stepping up a gear”.
Yes: “We are happy to say that despite all the difficulties and inherent complexities we have arrived at a formula which is agreeable to the respective parties.”
No: “At this moment in time there are negative elements that are affecting the ongoing decision making process.”
Search: “We have to extend our understanding and knowledge on this vital matter.”
Go to: “We are at the forefront of progress.”
Back: “There is a great deal to be done, so we are determined to get it right in the long run, and this entails an ongoing review.”
Help: “We are in complete control of the situation, but clearly it is only right to launch an investigation seek out those responsible for obstructing our forward momentum.”
Stop: “This is a good time to reflect on all our achievements.”
Start: “This is a wonderful initiative which will lead to many good things.”
Settings: “When we have the nuts and bolts right then we will be able to overcome the difficulties that are being put in our way.”
Programs: “The full range of future policy successes.”
Documents: “Policy formulation, administrative advice, correspondence, confidential information in type; and all other material at the pre-shredder stage.”
Technical Features
Motherboard: European Commission.
Fatherboard: Not known, refer to as “One Night Stand”.
Processor: Pennsylvania Avenue 1555
Protocols: Gateskeeper
Keyboard: Seventies Punk.
Mouse: Self-reversing spin wheel.
Power: Wind.
Tower: Brown Bakelite.
Disc Drive: Treasury Slow Slow Quick Quick Slow.
Home Page: News of the World.
Broadband Router: Big Dick (aka Beardie)
Random Memory: NHS IT Project
Restart: Go Abroad To Conference
ISP: Never Never Land
Programmes exclusive to our own system
Autogarble: An added facility for Press Statements.
Security: Jokes and other humour.
Hangman & Solitaire: Home Office Management.
Smart Prevaricate: To enable ministerial personal media advisers.
Ossa/Pelion: Government legislative programme.
Favourites: Links to business, equity finance, private banks, and escort services.
Bentword: Automatically corrects vague promises to convincing mode.
Fantasy Island: Office for National Statistics.
Graphics: Manipulates diagrams to required interpretation.
Spellchecker: Attorney General Function, changes text to incomprehensible mode.
Crash: NHS Computer Services.
Groanspeak: Scots – English translator.
Twittertalk: London – English translator.
Liar Poker: Annual Budget Review.
Bastard: Genealogy and Family History.
Calculator: Auto figures fudger.
The Undertaker: Drugs and Firearms Control.
Tillfinger: Ministerial Salaries, Expenses, and Awards of Honours.
Goblin Teasmaid: The Foreign Secretary.
Macho Zap: Trident Missile Start.
Notepad: For use when Text Phone fails.
Microsoft Explorer 666: Device to hack into opposition computers.
Pictures & Media: Ten thousand representations of Our Great and Dear Leader.
Note
Should the Prime Minister ring you on the red emergency telephone advise him to find the plug at the end of the long lead, identify the nearest power point, insert the plug and then to press the small thingy by the side and insist; despite the personal doubts he will express; that this will have the effect of introducing what is known to him now as the electrical power necessary to the full functioning of his apparatus.
If this fails under no circumstances whatsoever should you refer the matter to the Department of Technology, as this will disrupt the entire system, but call in the ILSNABCADEO (The Infused Liquids Sundry Non-Alcoholic Beverages & Comestibles Allocation and Distribution Executive Officer) with her trolley on a contracted out non-core activity basis who will know what to do.
SECRET
OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTER AND FIRST LORD OF THE TREASURY
Distribution: All Office of PM Staff
Copy: Selected Permanent Secretaries & My Best Friends
Order Of The Day: Don’t tell the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
It is with pleasure that after long negotiation that we announce a specific bespoke system of Windows Vista for the Office of The Prime Minister and the central directing unit of our New Labour Ministry. Although some of the exciting in-your-face advertising material may seem intrusive, please be aware that the revenue they give to our fighting fund for the New Britain is integral to the success of this venture. Those who feel that our latest media helper to come on board; code name “Des”; has links to exciting web sites and sources of information foreign to you should remember that we live in the new millennium age for culture and that the youthful vigour to be found on those links are part of our Cool Britannia purpose oriented function. The unique “Office Relations With John And Tracey” screen opening has been devised for maximum impact. Should you be of an uptight disposition your file will be marked “In need of therapy”. The NHS New Wave electrode implanted in your brain (sorry about the problems) covers this instruction. Unauthorised leaks or the issue of personal press releases will entail being sent to the Department of Culture Media and Sport to work on the 2012 Olympics project.
Basic Elements
The Recycle Bin is now: “Breathtaking new opportunity.”
My Computer is called: "The engine room of the new economy.”
Broadband Networking is called: “Our ongoing plan for action.”
Control Panel is known as: “Mandy”.
Hard Drive is referred to as: “Toughing out the difficult decisions.”
CD drive is: “In depth reserves of thrusting administrative energy.”
USB connections are: “Consultant inputs”.
Pop up instead of an error message: “Responsibility clearly lies elsewhere.”
Changes in Terminology
OK: “We are in fundamental agreement with the essential propositions as we understand and define them”
Cancel: “After full and in depth consultation we are taking a new direction.”
Reset: “The policy formulation is stepping up a gear”.
Yes: “We are happy to say that despite all the difficulties and inherent complexities we have arrived at a formula which is agreeable to the respective parties.”
No: “At this moment in time there are negative elements that are affecting the ongoing decision making process.”
Search: “We have to extend our understanding and knowledge on this vital matter.”
Go to: “We are at the forefront of progress.”
Back: “There is a great deal to be done, so we are determined to get it right in the long run, and this entails an ongoing review.”
Help: “We are in complete control of the situation, but clearly it is only right to launch an investigation seek out those responsible for obstructing our forward momentum.”
Stop: “This is a good time to reflect on all our achievements.”
Start: “This is a wonderful initiative which will lead to many good things.”
Settings: “When we have the nuts and bolts right then we will be able to overcome the difficulties that are being put in our way.”
Programs: “The full range of future policy successes.”
Documents: “Policy formulation, administrative advice, correspondence, confidential information in type; and all other material at the pre-shredder stage.”
Technical Features
Motherboard: European Commission.
Fatherboard: Not known, refer to as “One Night Stand”.
Processor: Pennsylvania Avenue 1555
Protocols: Gateskeeper
Keyboard: Seventies Punk.
Mouse: Self-reversing spin wheel.
Power: Wind.
Tower: Brown Bakelite.
Disc Drive: Treasury Slow Slow Quick Quick Slow.
Home Page: News of the World.
Broadband Router: Big Dick (aka Beardie)
Random Memory: NHS IT Project
Restart: Go Abroad To Conference
ISP: Never Never Land
Programmes exclusive to our own system
Autogarble: An added facility for Press Statements.
Security: Jokes and other humour.
Hangman & Solitaire: Home Office Management.
Smart Prevaricate: To enable ministerial personal media advisers.
Ossa/Pelion: Government legislative programme.
Favourites: Links to business, equity finance, private banks, and escort services.
Bentword: Automatically corrects vague promises to convincing mode.
Fantasy Island: Office for National Statistics.
Graphics: Manipulates diagrams to required interpretation.
Spellchecker: Attorney General Function, changes text to incomprehensible mode.
Crash: NHS Computer Services.
Groanspeak: Scots – English translator.
Twittertalk: London – English translator.
Liar Poker: Annual Budget Review.
Bastard: Genealogy and Family History.
Calculator: Auto figures fudger.
The Undertaker: Drugs and Firearms Control.
Tillfinger: Ministerial Salaries, Expenses, and Awards of Honours.
Goblin Teasmaid: The Foreign Secretary.
Macho Zap: Trident Missile Start.
Notepad: For use when Text Phone fails.
Microsoft Explorer 666: Device to hack into opposition computers.
Pictures & Media: Ten thousand representations of Our Great and Dear Leader.
Note
Should the Prime Minister ring you on the red emergency telephone advise him to find the plug at the end of the long lead, identify the nearest power point, insert the plug and then to press the small thingy by the side and insist; despite the personal doubts he will express; that this will have the effect of introducing what is known to him now as the electrical power necessary to the full functioning of his apparatus.
If this fails under no circumstances whatsoever should you refer the matter to the Department of Technology, as this will disrupt the entire system, but call in the ILSNABCADEO (The Infused Liquids Sundry Non-Alcoholic Beverages & Comestibles Allocation and Distribution Executive Officer) with her trolley on a contracted out non-core activity basis who will know what to do.
SECRET
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