Tuesday 25 December 2012

Why Santa Claus Failed To Deliver

There has been widespread anger and disappointment because Santa Claus (aka Father Christmas) did not arrive this year.  The default in the Festive Fun market arose because recent EU regulations for public sector contracts meant that the delivery services were put out to tender.

Consequently SC Enterprises Inc. who replaced Lapland Grotto were forced to outsource deliveries to firms offering the lowest tenders in different regions of the EU.

This meant that firms using second hand cut price vehicles prone to breakdown, little or no experience of intensive delivery and distribution systems over large areas had serious difficulties.  These were compounded by adverse weather conditions that had not been factored into the service contracts.

In Rome, in the Homily at the Christmas Mass, the Pope alluded to the problems by discussing the failure of giving being attributable to a lack of faith and imagination. 

In Washington DC, the Federal Reserve responded immediately by promising that in 2013 it would be Christmas Day every day, to be funded by the savings of Chinese labourers.  However, in Congress, proposals for a radical shake up were blocked by fundamentalist disagreements over time zones.

In Brussels, the EU announced that a dedicated Europe wide agency with multi billion Euro funding would be created to use trained and micro-chipped pigs for surface deliveries taken from industrial farms unable to sell them because they are unfit for human consumption.

The UK government immediately opted out of this scheme with David Cameron, the PM, reappointing Andrew Mitchell to the Cabinet as Supremo and Secretary of State for a British airborne cycle delivery service. The Opposition leaders, Miliband and Balls announced a new benefits scheme for all based on the taxation of rain drops and snow flakes.

Experts in The City have been quick to innovate, creating Freezing Fog and Freezing Drizzle derivatives at high rates of leverage to fund private equity investment in delivery systems.  Richard Branson is proposing a new Virgin for Christmas guaranteed product.

Meanwhile SC Enterprises, whose Head Office and financial services have been relocated from Lapland to Krakatoa for tax reasons were unable to comment for legal reasons.  Santa Claus has resigned and a replacement is being sought from Goldman Sachs.

A former Senior Elf, now redundant, commented that if it was bad for customers and the elves, it was a lot worse for the reindeer.

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