Company Will Retire, Company Dismiss

1st Battalion. Queens Own Cameron Jobseekers

C (Cable) Company

Company Orders, Friday 1st April 2011

A.M.

6.00 Reveille
Bugle Call “Goodbye-ee, Goodbye-ee, Wipe the tear from your eye-ee”

6.30 Non Working Parade, Company Commander present.
Instructions on jobs not to be done and avoidance of fatiques.

7.30 Breakfast, wheelie bins of outdated sell by stock from Tesco.

9.00 Footdrill, Company Sergeant Major.
Company will rehearse queuing, slouching and petomane skills.

1015 NAAFI break.
Outsourced to Osborne Vending Machines Ltd.

1045 Combat training dealing with travelling by rail, mugging techniques and advanced shoplifting.

P.M.

13.00 Lunch provided by Salvation Army Soup Kitchens
Bugle Call: “Onward Redundant Soldiers Marching On The Dole.”

14.00 Route March
Platoon Officers, covering as little ground as possible with the fewest possible men.

15.30 NAAFI break.
Outsourced to Pickles RU.

16.00 Domestic Economy
Corporals to supervise. Blanket pressing, study of ceiling patterns and learning how to live in filth.

1800 Tea. Leftovers, if any.

1900 Lecture by Battalion Commanding Officer
“Your future, if any, in security, cleaning and refuse collecting.”

20.00 Sunset
Bugle Call: “Buddy could you spare a dime?”

11.00 Lights out (permanent).
Bugle Call: “Anarchy in the U.K.”.

Emailing By Numbers

It is possible to imagine the complaints ringing the barracks of Hadrian’s Wall as the legionaries and auxiliaries debated the latest stupidities coming from the commands of Deva or Eboracum or Rome.

What was it one First War General said? There is the chaos and confusion of The War and above that the chaos and confusion of The War Office. During the Suez Crisis in 1956, following the London Great Smog of 1952 this was translated into The Fog of War and The Smog of the War Office.

The present row over dismissals by e-mail of long serving soldiers will bring a wry smile to servicemen of the past. The manner in which demobilization was carried out often left a great deal to be desired.

At least this time round the complaints have been heard and accepted.

There were many variations in the lyrics of the song below (tune “The Church’s One Foundation”) but they are best left to your imagination.

The picture above is one lot of infantry that did get to Berlin, the 9th battalion of the Durham Light Infantry, then serving in the 7th Armoured Division.

All together now:

We are Fred Karno's Army,
What bloody use are we?
We cannot fight, we cannot shoot,
So we joined the infantry.
But when we get to Berlin,
The Kaiser he will say,
"Hoch! Hoch! Mein Gott,
What a jolly fine lot
Are the ragtime infantry!"

We are Fred Karno's Army
A Jolly lot are we,
Fred Karno is our Captain,
Charlie Chaplin our O.C.
But when we get to Berlin,
The Kaiser he will say,
"Hoch! Hoch! Mein Gott,
What a jolly fine lot
Are the boys of company C!"

We are Fred Karno's Army,
What bloody use are we?
We cannot fight, we cannot shoot,
So we joined the infantry.
But when we get to Berlin,
The Kaiser he will say,
Hoch! Hoch! Mein Gott,
What a jolly fine lot
Are the ragtime infantry!"