Cutting A Night At The Opera

The Arts Council has delivered its verdicts. We shall all hear a great deal about it. The Royal Opera House has been whacked for 15%.

In the spirit of the times I believe that a great many operas being on the long side could be shortened and the appropriate reductions made in staging. So here are a few recommendations:

CARMEN The tobacco factory has relocated to China.

THE MAGIC FLUTE Papageno really does get lost.

EUGENE ONEGIN Tatiana is out of writing paper.

THE LOVE OF THREE ORANGES The man from Del Monte gets there first.

LA TRAVIATA Alfredo decided to go to a better party.

TURANDOT The Prince of Persia wins.

OTHELLO The Ottoman fleet arrives first.

LA BOHEME Rodolfo skips work and goes to the bar early.

TOSCA Cavaradossi falls off the scaffolding.

RIGOLETTO Gilda get the hots for Sparafucile

PELLEAS AND MELISANDE The midges are biting, so they stay at home.

FAUST He is offered a tenured post.

THE TROJANS The Greeks have monthly return tickets.

MANON LESCAUT Des Grieux takes an instant shine to the barmaid.

FIDELIO Leonora decides she likes the job of Prison Officer.

JENUFA Singles culture comes to the village.

KATYA KABANOVA Mother-in-law retires to a houseboat.

CUNNING LITTLE VIXEN The Quorn pack gets the scent.

DER ROSENKAVALIER The Marshal gets home early.

ELEKTRA She decides Clytemnestra makes a good role model.

MADAMA BUTTERFLY Pinkerton’s ship puts back to San Diego with boiler problems.

SALOME John the Baptist escapes.

RUSALKA The water company drains the lake.

LUISA MILLER Wurm turns.

MOSES IN EGYPT Moses has vertigo and passes on the Mount Sinai visit.

ATTILA The lads decide on a package holiday to Ibiza instead.

CAPRICCIO A quickie divorce is less trouble.

LUCIA DI LAMMERMOOR Lucia decides that Greenock has more to offer.

THE PEARL FISHERS The tenor and the baritone decide to ditch the bitch.

NORMA She opts for single parenthood.

IL TROVATORE Manrico checks with the Registrar of Births.

KING ARTHUR Merlin has a change of heart.

NABUCCO Baal offers the Israelites a better remuneration and benefits package.

DIE FLEDERMAUS Eisenstein gets probation.

TALES OF HOFFMAN The students tell Hoffman they have heard it all before.

ORPHEUS IN THE UNDERWORLD & ORFEO ETC. Eurydice wears protective clothing.

BARTERED BRIDE Market forces prevail.

COSI FAN TUTTE The lovers decide group sex is more fun.

THE MARRIAGE OF FIGARO Figaro goes to an Industrial Tribunal.

DON GIOVANNI The Commendatore wins the fight.

LA CLEMENZA DI TITO The Emperor calls in consultants.

SERAGLIO The Sultan makes Constanza an offer she can’t refuse.

THE ITALIAN GIRL The Sultan prefers curry.

LA CENERENTOLA The Prince is a breast man.

THE DAUGHTER OF THE REGIMENT She transfers to a Mobile Laundry and Bath Unit as a masseuse.

L’ELISIR D’AMORE The wine is corked. BORIS GUDUNOV The Boyars decide to have a Democratic Republic and vote in the Simpleton.

PETER GRIMES After a couple of pints in the pub, Peter opts for retailing.

THE TURN OF THE SCREW Miles is given a football.

NIXON IN CHINA Kissinger has a better idea.

A MIDSUMMER NIGHTS DREAM Puck’s flight is cancelled.

THE VILLAGE ROMEO AND JULIET The Land Registry has a copy of the Deeds.

THE MIDSUMMER MARRIAGE A garden makeover team arrive.

AIDA The UN sends in a peacekeeping force.

SAMSON A lifestyle adviser arrives before Delilah.

JULIUS CAESAR He reads his horoscope.

UN BALLO IN MASCHERA The Gypsy persuades them to try group therapy .

THE QUEEN OF SPADES They play snap for fun.

DIALOGUE OF THE CARMELITES The Mother Superior misreads the Holy Word as “celebrate” and not “celibate”.

AEMILIA DI LIVERPOOL There is a plague of beetles.

DON CARLOS He prefers a young chick to his stepmother.

L’HEURE ESPAGNOL They have wristwatches.

DIE MEISTERSINGER VON NUREMBURG Walther drowns his sorrows and misses the audition.

TRISTAN UND ISOLDE The boat sinks and the couple drown.

LOHENGRIN Lohengrin drowns.

PARSIFAL Parsifal drowns.

THE RING OF THE NIBELUNGEN Alberich drowns.

THE FLYING DUTCHMAN They all drown.